I'm such a jerk. I know I can be. I just wonder if some people actually try to see the bad parts of me instead of the good, in order to use that against me. But that previous entry...I knew it was a bad act. A complete idiotic spillage of emotions and useless words that must be thrown away so that I can continue my life without another piece of worry. I've been mentally cursing myself for writing it. I'm regretting it, and went through a major guilt trip. So as time goes on, I'll probably delete it.

I know I have my problems...but I'd throw them aside to help someone, and most likely my friends. But after all I've written in previous entries, maybe they don't want to bother me with their own problems because they'd think it'd hurt me more. Well...I feel what they feel. I want to help them but I'm struggling for some spiritual healing. Physically, also.

Enough of my own self-mutilation. I've been doing too much of that lately. I think I'm becoming a sadist...no. Not healthy. Ruins your soul.

I found this prayer on the back of a pamphlet concerning teens and "sticking up for yourself when others put you down" and about bullying, fitting in, and getting to love yourself. It was if somehow God knew I was going through these similar things and I happened to pick this pamphlet up by His will. This is to help me to forgive myself in order to ask for forgiveness to the person I might have hurt. Please forgive me. This prayer says exactly how I feel sometimes. The second part of an honor code that I believe in and try to follow each day.

I do know now that someone can make you angry and it later passes. My anger never lasts long. It just dissolves after a while. I know that during our lives the person I've talked about recently should live our own lives but still know each other and remember the things we had, the laughs we shared, the good memories. I want to see more good, not the bad, I want to think of any reason possible to make what is bad unknown. God helps me with my words. So this is the prayer that now holds such meaning to me concerning the previous entry I wrote that was so cruel and nasty. I even wrote about something nastier in my other diary but I've deleted it because it was hateful and unnecessary.

Dear God,

I promise to think more about the words I use.

I will replace words that hurt with words that encourage, engage and enrich, because I know their life-changing power.

I will not become discouraged when I am unable to choose words perfectly, because making the world a better place is hard work.

I will not become disheartened when words are used against me, because sometimes we hurt others most when we are hurting ourselves.

I will instead lean on the Word made flesh-You-Lord, and draw from Your strength each day, because You are my hope and my life.

Amen to that.

~♥ A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17