July 18, 2003 ~ 12:02 a.m.
Feeling:
Today's driving lesson for me sucked. Badly. Ok so maybe not that bad, but it's something I wish I could forget but know it's something I'll look back on because of my stupidity. Yes, that's another label to engrave onto my forehead besides 'procrastinator' and 'liar'. Oh yeah, also add in 'avoidant' too. I'm not really antisocial or anything, but I seriously need to sort out my priorities...and try to be more confidant as well.
Back on the driving lesson. My instructor doesn't trust me. Of course I know...I was stupid because I never practiced before the second lesson and she did say and our schedule does say also, that we should "practice between lessons." Duh. That's a good b*tch slap for me. We went on the road to practice turns, changing lanes and such...and I was messing up on reversing and turning the wheel and everything. My instructor was getting a little pissed at me, lecturing and sounding quite cross. Yooohooo Cass, another stab in the chest.
But eventually...I did make it on the road and though I made mistakes...I didn't hit anything. Thank God. I still felt like a dumbfounded idiot at the wheel, though. Before one of my driving partners switched with me to drive back to the school, she whispered "It's ok" because both she and our other group member heard everything that the instuctor was telling us and I just felt like crying right on the spot but I had to hold my own. I didn't want to look like a crybaby. The instructor didn't completely chew me out or anything, but the way she just lectures and scolds on this and that, just made me want to cry.
I felt hot with embarrassment and I kept on hoping no one would notice if I was turning red (if at all) and that my eyes were tearing. I felt like dying right there. It's just one of those times where I hate being so sensitive to things...to hate having to cry over something so simple as an instructor scolding me for not practicing before driving and all the dumbass mistakes I've made. I really do think she despises me right now.
So after the lesson was over...I quickly tried to find a place for me to chill out and dry the tears that were about to spill like Niagra falls from my eyes. However I went back to the classes at the school to wait to work. I talked to the other group that was waiting to drive next...trying not to make it obvious I was ashamed and about to shed tears. I waited until they left, and I took the opportunity to walk to the library and use the bathroom.
I went into a stall and sat there for a while...covering my eyes and softly sobbing that throbbing in my pain in my chest away. Excrutiating...I hate it when I'm humiliated in front of people. To be ridiculed by higher authority. So right now...I can't stand to take another lesson with my instructor. Thank heavens that it will be another week until the next lesson. I just have to survive four more...but I don't know if I can handle it with that instructor. I'll just have to pray and hope...
My dad picked me up after work. By that time I was pretty beat because I was out of the house for most of the day. We both went to eat dinner and do buy some things from the grocery store. I guess I felt happy. I like spending time with my dad. It's something I'll always enjoy. He always saves my sorry butt too because this morning I forgot my damn permit and I needed it before I did my driving lesson of which he brought it for me, as well as a bento lunch so I wouldn't go hungry during the lesson and work as well. Yes I'll say again I am a spoiled daddy's girl but I'm trying so hard not to ask too much of him.
I was thinking of driving home but I was afraid because I really don't know how to drive my dad's truck and it was late so I didn't want to try driving at night.
On the way home...I was in deep thought and that sickening, painful feeling was hitting me again. I so badly wanted to cry. Yes, I'm all tears. It also hit me that this feeling has been continuing consecutively but sporadically in past weeks. Something that isn't so good...something not so healthy. I don't want to think about that now.
When I finally got home...I went in the bathroom again and I sat...as that feeling hit me again and I just started crying, trembling and sobbing. It was if I couldn't control it. It only lasted for about half a minute.
I don't know what's wrong with me....I keep thinking it's my oversensitivity but surely there is just some kind of continuing deep pain that I just can't get rid of.
God help me...it hurts so much...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
