I know I shouldn't hold my sorrow deep inside. But it really eats at me like it constantly does, and even though I try to it's painful to hold in. It's beginning to push the limits of my sanity. I guess I shouldn't keep it all to myself. There are times when I imagine myself breaking down, falling on my knees, hugging myself and crying to no end.

A friend of mine asked if I tell any of my real life friends about my being depressed. I have a problem with telling people how I truly feel. I want to be strong and not be childish about it because sometimes I know that some of my problems aren't as big as the problems of some other people. But it still hurts just as much.

Well I used to tell this certain person about my problems and my feelings of depression, but this individual expresses no sympathy or feels no guilt for me. But I'll continue to listen to this person's feelings and be there for them and help them if needed. But I can't go on to continue to tell someone my personal feelings if they don't care in the first place.

I can't seem to tell my real life friends about the deep hurt I keep inside, because I'm afraid of what they'd think of. I can't even tell my chat life friends because...well here's a common one: I don't want them to worry about me. Sure of course they'll worry and try to comfort me but I might feel that...it isn't enough. It doesn't really help me. It might help for only a while, but I still can't take it.

I can't tell my parents about my feelings anymore. I feel like we're drifting apart. I'm working on a closer bondage between me and my mom, but I don't have the courage to tell me any of my deeper feelings. So I'll just sit idly by and listen to her problems and silently obey and agree.

I know I have many chances to talk to someone about it, but like I said, I'm too afraid to even try. I remember my english teacher giving me and my classmates a card for a teen hotline to call for help and advice. I thought about calling but I was too scared.

I want to talk to Jo. Jo is this amazing woman who is so comforting to talk to. She's a youth group adult helper from Kona and I barely get a chance to talk to her. I liked talking to her during my KMC retreat. I suddenly realize I could e-mail her but I hate e-mailing people.

I've been going through this time and time again...and I keep on telling myself "I'll get over it, I'll get over it..." but then it keeps on coming back. And I KNOW that people will tell me it's just something I'll go through and it's just the 'downs' of life. Well, I'm just sick and tired of it. But I guess I can survive and live through it.

I have a few really good friends who understands my problems and helps me through, but is not close enough for comfort. What I need, what I want, is someone I can talk to all the time, and they would understand, they would help me and tell me what to do, and they could hold me and tell me that everything will be all right. Yes I know I've thought constantly about that before. I know some people that know me want to do that for me. But I just can't see it fit. I need to wait for my time.

I know someone who can do that. Not physically....but spiritually. But unfortunately I have this personal war that I constantly try to win against with the devil, to erase all temptations and evil thoughts from my mind, to make me stray away from my God. I keep on feeling that constantly. As I've mentioned before if it weren't for my religion or being in a youth group I wouldn't be able to go on with my life.

And there are lots of times when I just can't understand these feelings of loneliness...this depression that keeps on eating at me. Oh I really want to help my friends and other people who would feel the same way but there's nothing for left for me. No solid ground for the weakness I feel inside...

Yes, I have recurring thoughts like "I want to die, I want to die..." but what good will that do? Voices saying, "No one cares, you're all alone..." but I know there are people who do. I know they care, but not enough. Not enough for my needs. So I demand attention. Everyone does. And they just need that certain someone to give them that constant attention.

How I want to rid myself of these tears of pain and sorrow...how I want to speak freely and not fade into the background and be left unnoticed. How I desire for...that happiness...

Somebody save me...let your warm hands break right through me....somebody save me...I don't care how you do it just stay...

Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking...maybe six feet, ain't so far down...

Here's my heart, it's been broken, it's been wounded but I'll give it all to you if you would love me, love me...here's my life, if you want it, you can have it, I would give it all to you if you would love me...your love is everything I need...

Is an angel watching closely over me? Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see? I know my heart should guide me but...there's a hole within my soul...what will fill this emptiness inside of me? Am I to be satisfied without knowing? I wish then for chance to see now all I need...(desperately..) is my star to come...?

~♥