January 10, 2003 ~ 11:10 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the day: "All In A Day" ~ The Corrs
All in a day...she saw the face in the mirror...lie.
To her dismay...she saw the child that was in her...die.
And she cried...overnight
'Cause what she sees...she doesn't like.
How twistin', how turnin', how achin' and this burnin'...in one day...
I've had...a bad week. Most of what's making me so down is all this stress of completing things, and responsibilities. I guess that's one of my fears. I've slacked. I can't handle responsibilities anymore. How can I be successful as an adult? That's something I keep striving to do, and keep on being lectured on.
I set too many things for myself. Having a terrible memory makes it even worse. I think of something to do, I forget, then I'm back to rushing to finish something until the last minute. But enough about my damn responsiblities.
Maybe I'm hitting a fever/cold...though I tend to get through sickness pretty easy. However, I'm not the only one who's sick. Or injured.
My poor dog was seemingly attacked by another dog, as my mom claims. He suddenly can't walk and is crawling/limping around or lying in one place. He whimpers once in a while in the most saddening way. I did a little check up, and it seems like there's a bite mark on his snout, caked over in blood, though it's hard to tell if there's much injuries on him because most of his fur is black. I've been neglecting my poor Puppy for a while, and my mom's tried to block him with anything from any other dogs.
Poor baby...it makes me want to cry to hear him whimper. However, there's a lot of dogs in my neighborhood. My mom says she can't afford to take him to a vet or anything, and I don't have any money to even take him myself. We just try to survive by what we have. Well I've tried what I can. Give him some dogfood and bring his water bucket close...but he can't get up much to bend his head over the edge of the bucket so I cup some water into my hands and let him drink from them.
I feel so bad...for not being able to do much with my dog. Poor Puppy...he's like an older brother to me now. I just hope I won't lose him too soon...I've already lost my precious cat, as well as numerous other pets and strays I used to take care of.
So, there are a lot of things I rush to accomplish. Which gets me in deep.....shit. (Pardon) I don't have the willpower to make me do what I'm supposed to do sometimes. Lack of energy because lack of sleep and exercise and proper nutrition. "Doctor, please tell me what's wrong with me so I can see how much I've screwed myself up."
Then...I cry over stupid things. Not because I'm a brat or anything...because I'm so damn sensitive. I try to hide it most of the time. Last night I had a slight argument with my mom about winterball pictures. Since I didn't know I had to actually BUY pictures, all I got was some wallets of a group picture I took with my friends. So then dear mom had to make a big deal out of it and naturally since I can't talk easily to her I had to yell back. I have to yell back, otherwise she won't hear me out and not understand what I'm trying to tell her. Because she thinks I'm stupid. That I can't talk. That I'm too quiet. It's in my nature. But she doesn't understand.I would never say that I could hate her, though. I know she loves me but that's how some people can be.
I always thought that stress triggers depressive emotions. And it really deals some damage on me. I'm killing myself slowly, yet I have no will to reverse it...at this time. Hopefully, hopefully...I have God at my side. I get myself into these messes, I try to get out on my own, but I need a bit of God's help out of that dark hole.
So then I have nothing left to do but cry. The emotions just rise up and I cry. I can't scream out that pain, I have to cry it out. Sometimes I feel like I cry for no reason. I hate doing it but then I enjoy the feeling. I like crying because it's the only way I can let out my pain. The only way I can express my feelings. Though I'm beginning to worry...this little 'process' seems to happen at least once every two weeks.
Well enough about that...I just know all this stuff makes me abandon my homework, though not too much so that I'm starting to fail any classes. Just enough to maintain the same grades so that my parents don't notice I'm slacking. I had a friend who tried to help. Though, I don't talk to her much. Don't really want to. But she was being what she had to be, a friend, and I guess I'm grateful. I just didn't show that I'm still hurting.
I just don't know..what's wrong with me...maybe I'm just overreacting...a lot of people are like this anyway, so how am I any different from the rest...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
