February 22, 2003 ~ 12:01 a.m.
Feeling:
Wow look at that. One minute past midnight. My writing is always best at night. Washington's birthday.
I feel like I'm losing touch with myself. I don't know, maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me and I'm making it worse for myself by thinking such. I may be slightly paranoid. Whatever it is, it's freaking me out. Actually, it's downright eating at me again. I've been wondering what's been bothering me often all this time, off and on again, like a love-hate relationship. Then I realized, that I could seriously have something.
Yesterday, I was with Kamlin in the computer lab, watching her do her psychology work. I then noticed a web cluster project done by a senior whom I know quite well in my fifth period class and in tennis. It was something on 'Dissosiative Identity Disorder' or more roughly named, Multiple Personality Disorder. That's what I think I have. Some might think it's not even true but I believe some of the symptoms anyway.
All this time when I thought I was just 'going through a phase' or just something that passed on and off on a normal teenager like me. It's possible I could be wrong. I never tell my parents anything about how I'm feeling or anything about my private life anymore. It's only when I'm hurting extremely physically or they notice that something's wrong. They barely do, because I hide it. I never told my doctor about anything I felt was wrong with me since my physical for tennis.
No one. I don't tell anyone. Doing so just makes it eat me inside and out, and frankly, I'm getting used to it. How I hate having to dig myself a deeper pit of sorrow. I don't know why I continue to do it.
Symptoms for MPD ( multiple personality disorder ): "People with DID(MPD) may experience any of the following: depression, mood swings, suicidal tendencies, sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking), panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or "triggers"), alcohol and drug abuse, compulsions and rituals, psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations), and eating disorders. In addition, individuals with DID(MPD)/DD can experience headaches, amnesias, time loss, trances, and "out of body experiences." Some people with DID(MPD)/DD have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). "
Depression...yes I go through that, but probably can be reasoned that it's tough to deal with everyday stress. Mood swings...I may not show that in public often but I just feel as if I'm switching from happy to sad all too quickly. Sleep disorders...panic attacks...I could relate to some of those.
Amnesia...yes, that's happened to me a few times. I'm thinking about doing something in my head while walking to another room and such and when I stop, I completely forgot what I was just thinking about the moment I got my mind off something else. It takes me ten seconds or longer for me to try and remember with the best of my ability what I was going to do. Spooky. Trances...I catch myself spazzing out too much lately.
The big one: "out of body experiences"...ever feel like that? That suddenly you feel like you're not in your 'own' body, rather, that you feel that you are completely someone else in another person's body? I've felt that. That is the scariest one of them all. It's all too overwhelming. When I read that web cluster, I was shocked. All this time I had been wondering why I had been experiencing all these things, and I got an answer that I didn't need to know. But then I had to know. Otherwise I'd be lost in my thoughts for God knows how long.
I can laugh at myself and say, "It's all in my head" but like I've mentioned long before, that the mind is a dangerous thing. So I'm wondering...if my 'alter egos' that I've developed over the years are bad for me.
"A person diagnosed with DID(MPD) has within her two or more entities, or personality states, each with its own independent way of relating, perceiving, thinking and remembering about herself and her life. If two or more of these entities take control of the person's behavior at a given time (what do you mean by a given time?), a diagnosis of MPD can be made. These entities previously were often called "personalities," even though the term did not accurately reflect the common definition of the word as the total aspect of our psychological makeup. Other terms often used by therapists and survivors to describe these entities are: "alternate personalities", "alters," "parts," "states of consciousness," "ego states," and "identities." It is important to keep in mind that although these alternate personality states may appear to be very different, they are all manifestations of a single person."
I can only hope and try to at least pray to God with the best of my will to get my mind off of all this. It's driving me insane. Such the possible cause of MPD may have been of some childhood trauma. Now I don't usually think I have a worse trauma than most people. I've had a pretty much comfortable childhood but then there were a few times before and a bit after my years of adolesence that I've realized a trend in this certain 'trauma' I may have.
As my thoughts slipped out to Kai tonight, I wondered about why I kept on thinking about doors. There is something about doors that...seemingly scare me. I don't have a phobia against doors but I don't know my feelings toward them exactly but it relates to my trauma. I've had at least three experiences with doors.
I can remember my first memorable experience, when I probably had done something wrong and my mom was extremely mad at me. Fearing my punishment, I sought refuge in the bathroom, just behind the door, locking it for safety. I could barely believe what had happened next. My mom was screaming like mad and I was terrified, crying and screaming and hearing her scratch against the other side of the door. It was only long after that I realized she actually used some sharp object like a knife or something to try and get through the door. There are several small marks on the front of the door, and it still reminds me of that experience today. It secretly haunts me...but I try not to think of it often.
I've begun to notice my trend in sitting against a door and crying. My second experience was when my dad cracked and he threw a fit, throwing over a plate of food. I was scared, my mom was sobbing in the kitchen and she yelled at me repeatedly to try and coax my dad out of their room because he locked himself in. I sat at the door, crying and begging for him to come out. I had thought then that my parents might have seriously considered divorce. Fortunately, that hasn't happened...yet. I really hope it won't. So much distrust and secrecy between the three of us now.
Finally..my third experience, again with the door fight with my mom. I just felt like I wanted to die, and I was partially in a rage since my own room door can't even lock for some reason. I hate the way how my mom tries to get me out of a room. Screaming and yelling. Crying and sobbing. Pushing and punching. Terror. Hearing myself scream is like hell. Like I even should consider such a place.
I should probably stop all this now. It's going to drive me even more insane. I'm reaching my breaking point; and my meager efforts aren't helping me much. I'm trying not to let it get to me....
Oh please God help me...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
