May 27, 2003 ~ 9:32 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Silent All These Years" ~ Tori Amos & Ani Difranco
Moonlight Madness entry will have to wait. There's a load of crap that needs to get out right now.
My parents. Ugh, my goodness. They're being ridiculous. I know what's going on and I continually try to think of ways to try and end this systematic flow of anger, suspicion, paranoia, hate, and lack of communication. We're caught in a whole mess of screwed up emotions.
I can't stand it. My parents are fighting because my mom is suspicious of my dad of cheating. My dad is throwing out his anger at my mom because he thinks she's stupid for thinking that he could possibly be cheating. But for the longest time, he's left a trail of suspicion that has my mom on the edge of breakdown.
And it hurts. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to help my parents. All I can do...is just sit around, being silent. In my mind I know what to say but it is not strong enough to come out directly. It pains me to tears just thinking of this. Why...please why...I don't want this. I don't want them to fight but there's nothing I can do.
I know there are ways for me to get help, or for me just to even speak up but I'm so afraid. So afraid of what might happen and how it might affect the current situation between me and my parents. Stuck in the middle. I had to be stuck in the middle. It's damn frustrating. I know...that I don't want things to be this way but...they do happen. I've accepted it...but the only problem is getting help.
The line of my family has been that we don't communicate often. We are not very trusting of each other. We are so silent and potentially hostile that it's impossible to even consider a closer relationship between any member. Just act like you're happy and show that you care, visit only once every so often and give partial support but there is no strong bond.
My home family lifestyle is being ripped at the seams. It's beginning to break me apart. The house feels full of pain and woe. We're coming so close to the fine line of shattering.
I remember...that day when my dad snapped. Horrible experience. However, I did manage to slowly ease them back to terms with each other. But the hostility continues. I feel so helpless...so many things going on that wants to rip me to shreds.
I've found only temporary means of escape. Music, school, the internet...role-playing...things that might get my mind off the pain of home. I've tried my best to keep my social life as spotless as ever. School, church...I keep a happy face, yes I keep up my high grades. I know I want to get somewhere. It's just that inside....I'm hurting, and no one notices.
I've thought of ways to try and help my parents...even myself, but I don't have the courage to say anything. I'm just slowly struggling through all of this...silently suffering. So I've led myself to periods of solitary confinement. Yes...I just feel better alone...most of the time.
My aunt suggested that I let my parents go through separation. I don't know if she was joking or not, but it seems reasonable. It seems like the best thing right now. But then I need them both...I need them...for my life to at least remain stable. I've tried to stay capable of handling my emotions for a long time...but...I don't want my family life to be breaking down right now.
"....there's a spider attached to your heart....you've bottled up your emotions. If you let it stay there, it'll eat you up inside....." ~from Boogiepop Phantom
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
