April 28, 2003 ~ 11:08 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Ordinary World" ~ (Dance Dance Revolution Mix) Aurora feat. Naimee Coleman
Took a new quiz today and completely rewrote my personal profile.
My life is in downshift again. This rollercoaster's going down again. I don't get it. It seems like every single Monday is evil to me. I don't know if it's all just in my head but my Mondays are never really good. I guess that's how my life goes around weekly. It's become systematic.
Today I really bombed on my AP History Exam. We had to study three chapters for sixty multiple choice questions. We were allowed to use notes, but unfortunatley for me, being the slacker I am coming to be, I didn't have very good ones. I ended up guessing most of them and the result was horrifying. I can't believe I got a score that bad.
What's worse is, that in the morning, during my first class, I heard Kamlin talking to someone about my...'crush'. They were talking about how he went to the movies with this girl I know who is a Senior in my Ensembles class. It was pretty depressing to think that my 'crush' possibly liked someone else. But I kept slapping myself mentally that there was no possible way that my 'crush' and I would ever get together.
A crush is a crush and most times you never really end up with that person. I could already tell that it wouldn't be a very good relationship had I ever got together with him. I consider my crush and I friends and nothing more. I don't know if it comes as close as friends but I'll just say that it's that way. Though it still put me in a down mood thinking about it. But like I said, I absolutely HATE having a crush. It just seems to happen and there's no way to control who you might like. You still might like the person but nothing else will ever happen.
There is only one person that I have given my heart to...one of the few people that understands. I just only wish that person would return the affections of a faded past...
Back on this lonely road of mine. I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe I'm just thinking this all up but I really think there's something wrong with me. Something just keeps on eating me inside even though I try hard to make a good life of myself. I slowly try to take the steps to getting on the path of being a normal, stable person. Though it seems hard for me to find that stability. I don't know what's got me feeling so empty. I always wonder if it's my fault. I am always going to end up blaming it on myself.
Though dear God watch over me I think I may be suffering from something that I may know but don't want to think about. I'm going to keep it in. I don't want to tell anybody...as much as it hurts to do so and how wrong it is to even keep it in this way. I know that it happens too often to be just an average thing for regular people.
I'm in downtime again. Now I feel like I just have to cry for no reason. It creeps me out. I thought I got rid of it and I dare not want to speak of it now. It will melt away until the end of the week then come back to haunt me again.
It's a sickness...of the soul. My body hurts thinking about it. I'm about to go off the edge but within the walls of my mind I will not let it out. How long will I be able to stay emotionally stable this way...?
Somebody please get me out of here...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
