November 28, 2002 ~ 12:22 a.m.
Feeling:
Note: Just read every 'sadist' word as 'masochist' 'cause someone's got a problem with my writing but I guess I'm changing the word anyway.
I've been thinking about my personal liabilities lately. And I am just...so out of it. I've been blaming myself, cursing myself, and mentally and emotionally killing myself. Oooh...bad bad thing to do. I'm beginning to do it so often I enjoy it.
Now I'd hate to have anyone pity me, because it actually is, my own fault. When my mom lectures me, it's annoying, and I guess I really can't blame her anymore, and I come close to tears because I know it's true. Even if my dad praises me and tells me the good qualities of myself, I appreciate it, but I also come close to crying because I'm not really sure if it's really true, if it's just some lie I'm putting on.
I don't even know what kind of lie I put on. I have my religion, I go to church, but heck sometimes even some people I know who are atheist probably have less sins than I do. I don't go to daily seminaries before school like some of my friends do, I don't read the Bible every night...but does that mean it'll make anyone a saint? No.
Saints are people who are deemed a saint and who have done a miraculous thing, and have died for God. One example is the saint I try to model after, Saint Cecilia, who converted many with her music, and continued preaching to the people even after she was struck three times by an executioner's blade and continued living for three days until she finally went on.
So what does all that have to do with me being/thinking I'm a sadist? I keep on putting myself down, because I've kept on being put down...mostly by my mother. But I'm not blaming her...I still don't know how that happened but the rising pain in my chest just won't stop. The tears keep coming even though I continue to think they'll eventually dry up. My eyes that always look so dull and sad...
I recall how I once said I hate looking into a mirror. I fear that if I keep looking at my reflection, the more and more I will doubt myself. The more and more I will not be able to recognize the other face, to find it difficult to look back into those eyes and try to find who I really am.
I'm going to get the idea that emotionally injuring myself will be better than trying to be optimistic so that no one else will be able to hurt me. But if that's so, I can welcome that hurt.
I'm also getting the idea that when I try to think of something good to happen, my hopes are shattered. And if I think something bad might happen, it just may turn to be a lucky break. Fate has me in a tangled vine.
I know someone who claims to be a sadist. But though I think I may be one too we are both comepletely different people. What happens in our own lives affects us differently.
I have a friend who can feel the same as I do. But one who goes to more extreme measures. Of course I fear death...it's what comes in Cathlocism. But of course I must welcome death, as well as cherish life.
I am quite reluctant to think myself to be a sadist. I really shouldn't be. I've pretty much stabbed my life's motto to death and threw it out the window.
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. There are so many good things that my other half can tell me...what others can tell me...but it doesn't seem to deplete how I feel.
I think it's because I'm so tied down. I'm so sick and tired of living in the same place for nearly half my life span, and having to stay so close to my parents.
My thoughts are mixed up now...the rest of this will all be just ranting and babbling.
God help me...
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this word, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." ~Romans 12:2
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
