March 31, 2003 ~ 7:07 p.m.
Feeling:
I must hate writing now. All the words in my head just pass through like a memory forgotten. As much as I'd like to have all those words captured, like myself, I must let them be and set them free. Since Lent started...as of now I feel like I haven't been keeping to my promise to give up long hours on the net. While I've tried, I ended up being caught up in everything again.
I don't like routine. I don't like sticking to something. I despise committment. I just can't do it. I always find myself trying to run away from my responsibilities, the world, the people I know..myself...a complete disappointment. I can only think of one ( and I guess one more ) person at this moment who are close enough to feel my pain and help me. But I remain as silent as a tree.
Of course I have friends...they are all very nice to me. But everytime when I spend time with them it seems like I can 'fit in' but not 'belong'. Ah but I must stop speaking this way as I have a very bad tendency to put myself down. Well I wonder where THAT habit came from. It's ridiculous. Part of me screams out it's the most shameful thing to do to myself. Yes of course I'm trying to be happy. I just feel like something is wrong that I can't get out of me.
This brings me to think about prom. My mom picked me up early from school because I had an appointment at a beauty salon at the Mauna Kea hotel, since everywhere else was booked. So yes I had my hair done, and my mom brought along some baby's breath flowers to have the lady put them in my hair. It looked nice. ( So I'm not quite enthusiastic about it..eh. ) My mom did my makeup ( she overdid it again, dangit ) and I really wasn't too overjoyed for some reason. I felt gloomy. So the people in the little salon heard about my prom and wanted to see my dress since they said it would be better for me to change there. So I did, and I showed them my dress...they were impressed...I still felt...unhappy.
When I got to the hotel..I looked at all the other finely dressed people going to prom and felt a little out of place. Later my friends came to get me because I had been waiting for them and we went over the stairs to the Water's Edge restaurant where we were having prom. We waited, looked at how everyone else was nicely dressed, complimented each other, took pictures...then had to go up the elevator and to the real entrance to sign in and walk down the stairs ( with high heels..ugh ) and went to find our tables. The decorations were beautiful, all very well done some of my friends who went to decorate earlier in the day but most of whom didn't attend prom.
I kept on following my friends around since I didn't know what else to do. I swear I was the ONLY one without a date. 'Goin' stag' as everyone else told me since I didn't have a date. I still felt out of place. I was started to feel depressed. We later went to wait in a long line to get our pictures taken. I took one alone...then took another group picture with some of my friends. Then when we got out, it was time for dinner. So we ate...deciding to get our money's worth. Then they announced the prom court. Both of my friends and their dates being on the court. I was happy for them. How dull this must be now...I just took pictures of them dancing...and then later came the dancing, with music.
While I just simply watched...people kept on coming back and forth to the table I was at and taking pictures and talking and such then going to dance. Then my 'crush' ( ugh ) came around to sit down next to me. He had his own date, a girl from my Japanese class ( a Sophomore, the girl with the higher grade percentage than me which of course I don't care since she's such a perfectionist but an otherwise nice person ) and we were pressing him to go up and dance. Of course, he kept on saying he was a terrible dancer...and a few times I went up to dance. Apparently the only guy I danced with was my other friends' date, since he wanted to dance and my friend was with..well my other friends. We danced for what seemed like about 10 seconds before he went. My crush ( hate hate hate that word...that's it, I'm calling him 'friend' ) and his date were just looking at everyone dancing behind the dj, where my 'friends' older sister ( who was a chaperone ) was. So then a while later...it was then that the prom was about to end and they were going to play the last song. I had finally convinced him to dance. So we all went up. He danced with his date. A 'slow' dance...while I danced with my friends a few feet away.
Well sure I may have been disappointed...prom was the pits, just like Winterball. The only reason I went was because my mom wanted me to get a picture taken. Well I'm sure as hell be glad that after next year I probably will NEVER go to some big social thing ever again. No. I don't like it. I hate it. I get mixed feelings. I'm empathetic that way. I must remind myself to hit myself several times if ever I have a bad time for going to both Winterball and Prom again.
So that's it. Prom was hell. The theme? ( Bitter ) Sweet Kisses. And they never play the theme song when we dance. Not even when the court takes the first dance. It's odd. A week or so before prom I was asked by my friend to do the prom banner. When I turned it in, it looked horrible. The leadership teacher lady who was in charge of prom wasn't too happy with it. She trashed it, and told someone else to do it. Thanks a bunches. I hated it anyway. The new banner looked a lot better. No thanks to me.
I used to think I was good at everything. I was wrong. I always am. I used to think I was a good student. I failed. I may keep my high grade point average, but I suck at study habits. I used to try and make most things perfect. Now I just don't seem to care. God oh God...what's wrong with me? I have to stop doing this.
I am personally screwing up my life.
I need out.
Dear Jesus....help me....
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
