June 02, 2003 ~ 9:52 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Hey Juliet" ~ LMNT
I really must be a romantic at heart. I have all these silly yet beautiful ideaes of love and sweetness that it just overflows from my heart. And I'm saying all kinds of blabber now. Sometimes it's painful for me to be so sensitive. I had a very comfortable childhood so I guess that's how I've developed.
Today my history teacher said that I'm almost too sweet. I'm sort of just so innocent that way. But some of my friends know that it's really not quite the truth. People tend to put up a different shield when they're out socializing with lots of people. Shyness and sweetness is just how I am.
Back to the romantic thing. I feel that I have the soul of a romantic, and so I'm a sucker for romance and things like that. Of course, I know when things can get too sappy that I consider it pathetic. Like Tricia says, it's just so mawkish. That's pretty much equivalent to maudlin. Look it up. I'm no walking dictionary.
Now as romance, love can be one very powerful thing. Speaking of which, infatuation can get a person to do silly things. Like me. My 'crush', as some people may know who, has me in a friendly relationship. Since Island Tour, I've wanted to become so attached to him. However, after thinking things over about the possibilities that we'd never 'click', I've completely backed off of him. And yet I'm still admiring from afar. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic. Now I say again, that I hate having crushes.
So I guess I must be a hopeless romantic. Sara is like that too. Her and I, we really slap on the sap to things and cry over sad romance stories. I may seem like I know everything about romance, but I haven't really experience a real kind of romantic love. Well...maybe there is one exception, but I'm not really sure if it can be considered a real experience of love. Yes...it was nothing physical.
I just felt something. The one special person that I still think of to this day. It's been years. I hold my one first and true love in my heart always. I really do miss him, and I wonder if he still really comes around to read my diary. So that's it. I am quite hopeless.
I'm struggling with emotional and personal problems right now. It seems like I just need a long break from life but even if I do for a while it never really helps. Love is really wonderful and fun, but not to be toyed with.
There are so many fantasies I can come up with for love, but when it comes to me getting pulled into an intimate relationship up close, I back off. It seems like I'm afraid to truly be close to anyone that way in real life because of that it may not work out, or of the consequences it may bring. I don't like getting into really close relationships. It's like with my friends. I know I may have said this before but even though I have great and wonderful friends, some closer than others, I just can't get TOO close.
I guess my heart is too shy, too closed up within itself. So I try hard to set it free, try to make myself stronger. Things get in the way, as well as my many excuses that never help.
I must really be hopeless.
To the one who holds my heart: I still love you.
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
