March 07, 2003 ~ 10:51 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me" ~ Exposé
Some of my friends seem depressed lately. Or maybe just a couple of them in general. I hate to see/hear/read about them feeling that way, because it makes me hurt inside too. My pain is their pain. Or at least I try to make it be, which can sometimes be a useless thing to do. Not very good for my own broken soul. No, I just can't help it.
It shouldn't be my problem, but of course being a caring friend, you have to make it your problem. However, I try not to get myself too involved, as I wouldn't want to try and make it worse for my friend when I don't know what to say. But what can I do? Sometimes I know what to do, sometimes I don't. But I know by now that some people just need someone to listen to them and give them comfort and I have to hope and pray that they'll be all right.
Where am I going with this...it makes me think. All the emotions of pain and depression being poured out into diaries/journals like these daily and some people can't get it out of their head and know what to do about them. I am no exception to this. Sometimes we don't really know of the world we live in. We just think that the whole world is hell, nobody cares. We don't 'fit in' anywhere.
Yes I do experience many times where I feel like I don't 'belong' with a group of people. I've found people I can 'hang out' with but I never really know what's going on. It's strange when you're around a bunch of people and you feel like you don't really need to be there. Maybe because you try to hide yourself in the background. That's what I always tend to do. I sometimes 'space out' and get swept into my own world that is always so comfortable and inviting yet so very dangerous to my well-being in the teeth of reality.
I don't know...even though I have great friends and lots of people who know me and are very nice to me, I just don't feel like I can be 'with the group'. Whenever I walk with my friends to class, I am either ahead of them, or behind them. I either cannot wait for them, or they don't want to wait for me. It's like I'm going the be the one left behind, or running away from them. I can't get out of it. I need to escape. But I can barely find the freedom I am searching for.
What do I consider freedom? Freedom of thought, freedom of cares and responsibilities in the world. We cannot have happiness constantly; we need to strive for it if we can truly be happy. I need a place to free my creative side; to express myself. Right now in this moment in time, this place where I live, I feel trapped. I can't think; I can't challenge myself; I cannot reach the full potential of my creativity...I feel left behind.
Many people feel like that. Of course they do. We don't want to live like this forever, in a world...( what kind of world is this? ) that doesn't give a damn to any one small person unless they fight to get there. Many people fight; yet they never can seem to reach their goal, as some goals cannot be reached. So many great things gone unseen.
What am I getting to...I'm babbling. I'm just going to wait for that time when I can finally be free of this wretched place.
I am so out of it...I need to start thinking about Lent...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
