February 06, 2003 ~ 12:26 a.m.
Feeling:
Here I could be writing about something more boring like my birthday thing. I was writing about it the other night, but I lost it. Internet Explorer must hate me. In any case, there's just something bothering me. Relationships.
Of course I really like my close friends and relatives, but I continue to distance myself from them. I don't try to get TOO close. It bothers me. I'm so insecure it's shameful. Which brings me to possible 'dating relationships'. In some point in time in the far off future I am going to completley suck at it. Regardless of my 'romantic' nature and love of it I doubt I'm the type to actually snag a guy in real life.
Sure, I've been around the block on that sort of thing on the net, ( a practice I intend to burn in the back of my desolate mind forevermore ) but in reality I just might not make the cut. I'm one who wants to become a 'free spirit'. I'm no good at making committments. Terrible at keeping promises. Not bad at holding secrets, but I CAN be very trustworthy, as long as no one trusts me with a burden very large. However, my changing mind makes exceptions.
Of course I'd like to get married when I'm older. If ever I whip myself into shape and stop procrastinating and being so irresponsible. I guess I grew up having bare practice of those skills or I just plain didn't want to do them anymore.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well, guys. Men. Boys. Whatever. They're ok, I try to share interests, but I never ever want to get too close to one. In actuality, anyway. For over five years now I've shied away from trying to get into a relationship with a guy. I've got friends and cousins who've done the 'dating' thing several times. Nope, that's just not me. I can't do it.
What do *I* have to do with a boyfriend anyway? Sure it can be nice...if ever I could find my 'perfect guy'. But like any other average teenage girl, I get crushes, and I am too shy to admit them and I try to act as cool as possible and they probably never even notice. At least I don't think they do. I'm probably wrong.
See, once I was almost provoked into a relationship. Actually, someone was provoking some guy on me. In time, I guess he gave up completely. I heard he thought I burned him. Rejected him. Not true, I'm just shy, but of course, I really didn't want to get into that. Mother dearest wouldn't want me to be doing that anyway until I'm probably forty. That's my cue to roll my eyes pathetically.
Now I have another guy to worry about. Like a crush I once had before, I may like him but looking at it I figure we would never make it together. There's no 'click' between us. But my dear goodness, it may just be me but I always seem to catch my former crush looking at me! I think he still remembers...one of my friends actually told him I liked him. I never told him personally nor did I show any interest afterward.
With my new 'crush' ( I don't know if it's really that way ) he keeps on getting closer to me. We share two classes together. I don't know, but he may have that idea that I like him. I'm still unsure if I really do. After all, he is nice to me, he's funny, though he tends to depend on me for answers, but he's just one of those laid-back types. He's quiet and reserved when he needs to be, and he can play the guitar. Dang it...and oh if only he could sing, ( which he seems interested in doing ) I swear I could fall for him.
He's being too nice to me! Walking with me to class, ( not very often ) opening doors for me, waiting for me...though these are all rare moments. I can't take it. I'm keeping my distance. I've slipped up; I'm trying to show off in front of him sometimes. Just because of the little idea that we like each other. I want this nothing more than a close friendship.
As with my former crush...I feel like we won't 'look good' together. It's like something that needs to be left alone and slowly starved to death. I'm not one to care about 'apperances' but still...what with others judging you, and so many other couples that all look normal and cute, I don't want to be one of those people.
I know I'm one in need of attention...but then I'm too afraid of it. I want to do things on my own but I'm so dependent on others at times. I want to have important responsibilites to look good but I don't do them. I want to feel good about myself but look at me now putting myself down again. My other half keeps screaming at me to get it together but the rest of me won't make a move.
Yes I'd pray to God to help me with these things. But like a parent trying to teach his child a lesson, I must learn to handle this on my own. Which is why I need to find support. But I don't always heed the advice. I always end up forgetting. All this confusion on how I want to shape up to be, gets in the way of me ever becoming successful in a good relationship.
I need to put the masks away...but I'm afraid I can't find the box.
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
