April 29, 2003 ~ 10:00 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Take Me Back to Paradise" ~ Native Blend
I knew that it would have come to this eventually. My mom is pissed off at me. I was pretty mad at her too but my anger never lasts for long and it changes into regret and sadness. Things just seem to happen so quickly...
While driving me to school, my mom had to bring up some things that were pissing her off. She was ranting on about the things I don't do in the house. I know I'm lazy but I know I try to do what I can, as forgetful as I am. I don't want to be going on about how it's all my fault again. She just snapped at me. I can't say a thing. I tried not to say anything because if I tried to reason, she would just yell back at me in high volume that was beginning to be scary.
So I remained quiet throught he rest of the ride, trying to hide my tears and keep in the deep pain rising in my chest. I kept on mentally saying how sorry I was, sorry for being stupid, sorry for lacking common sense, and just sorry for any kind of anger or pain that she blamed me for. All the time I wondered why she had to be yelling at me in the car right before I was going to school.
It wasn't right. I didn't say goodbye to her when I got out of the car. I just walked down behind the school office to my Japanese class. I thought I wouldn't have been able to get through the day. Once I got in class, I just sat at my seat and put my head down to cry. I kept on wiping my tears on my sleeves and I tried to hide the fact that I was crying from my classmates and teacher the best I could.
My crush friend who sits next to me asked if I was feeling down, but I didn't answer. So he didn't talk to me for the rest of the class. I wonder if he saw...or if he knew that I was crying. I wondered what his reaction might have been if he did, what reaction my other classmates would have if they saw me. I don't know if my teacher noticed when I asked to go to the bathroom. I wadded up tons of toilet tissue to wipe my eyes and nose, and tried to wash away my sadness with water.
I always make the sign of the cross when I pass the Catholic church down in Honoka'a. I always ask God to help me through the day. Fortunately, my prayers are always answered. But not enough comfort in this case because it is me who hides my pain.
All we did in Japanese class was watch a movie about the bombing of Hiroshima. When I went back in class just as the movie started, I went to return the bathroom pass and I could see out of the corner of my eye that my teacher was watching me, and I sense that she might have had some concern for me, but she never asked. So I just went and sat down to try and calm down and watch the movie.
At recess, none of my friends noticed that anything was wrong. I didn't want to say anything, because probably being the idiot that I am, I don't want them to worry, even though I wished they would actually notice that something was wrong...that they would actually care.
My next class wasn't so bad. We had a substitute and we didn't have to do a thing. It was a very quiet class, and all I did was go on the computer and browse around since there was nothing else to do.
Then I went to eat lunch, and then my last class. The rest of the day was nothing. I only had three long classes today. Then I rode home on the bus. I always think of how beautiful and quiet it is in my neighborhood when I walk home. Watch that quiet boy in my Ensembles class who lives on the next street silently walk ahead of me then disappear. There's something about that boy that is so kind...a soul that needs to be understood and cared for; like mine. But I find no other interest in him besides his passive personality.
Home. I went straight to the couch to watch tv. My mom always calls a while after I get home from the bus. But I was still royally pissed off at her for what she said to me, making feel like dirt before I go to school. Thank God again that I didn't have to falter through any work.
I didn't answer the phone. I just watched tv and lay drowsily on the couch. I don't know how many times she called or left a message, but I let her go crazy for about an hour and a half. Maybe it was cruel of me to do it...to make her worry. But I can't ignore the way she made me felt. It just hurt. A lot.
She sent my uncle to come see if I was home. He pounded on the door so loudly, but he is unaware of his strength. I opened the door and he asked me why I wasn't answering my mom's phone calls. I was hesitant to answer, but he answered for me, saying if I didn't answer because I hated her. But I NEVER would dare think that I hate my mom, or would ever say it. I just didn't like what she did.
I just looked at my uncle and said that I didn't want to talk to my mom. For some odd reason he went to grab my arm but I pulled away quickly. He still has power in those hands of his, that it hurt when his fingers only grabbed me a little but I slipped away. After he left, I went back inside and went to the couch to cry. I don't know why...I just had to, because of the pain of my mom being mad and worried, and because my uncle hurt me inadvertantly.
So when I finished crying, I finally got the guts to call my mom. Of course she was mad at me. She said she went crazy calling so many people about my supposed absence of not answering the phone. It serves her right. She wants me to grow up but then she's so damn overprotective and still treats me like a ten year old. It's ridiculous.
She goes on a rampage asking me why I wouldn't answer and I meekly replied with a lie that I was asleep. Then after some silence on my side I said that I didn't want to talk to her. So then she was really mad. Everything else in that conversation was a blur of her snapping at me and I mentally replying back with words that I couldn't say. So I could only do one thing. I hung up on her, and did what I wanted to do so badly. I threw the phone away from me.
At that point I cried. Cried and wailed because I don't get angry and scream, it comes out in tears and moans of sorrow. Why couldn't I just get rid of this...why couldn't I tell her?
She wants me to trust her but why doesn't she trust me? She wants me to tell her how I'm feeling but how can I when I know how she'll react? How can I live my life when she's constantly holding me back? Why can't I solve this recurring issue between us? I don't want us to be like how she is with her own mom. I know my mom has been through the pains of being a teenager, but why can't she realize the things that I'm going through?
So now she's mad at me, and I'm searing in sorrow and hoping for forgiveness and a shred of strength to tell her everything. I can't do it. I desperately want to but I can't do it.
Why...why can't I....
It's too much...
Please forgive me mother...
I love you....
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
