January 18, 2003 ~ 12:39 a.m.
Feeling:
Song of the day: "Rain" ~ The Corrs
Sometimes I wonder if it's true what my dear mother tells me. If I'm ever going to succeed in my life at the rate I'm going. I haven't been doing much good for my future. I don't really care about it but I know it's important. It seems like the only thing I seem to worry about is myself. I know I think about and do some good things...trying to unleash my artistic nature and searching for my identity....but all in the process neglecting everything else.
Mom had a bit of a fit last night. Her complaints just seemed to blow out like lava from an erupting volcano because it all began from a simple little thing. Every time she calls me at home, before she arrives home from work, informing me to do something, like a few chores or errands. She always wants me to do something good at home, and I always try to please her. Of course, if I forget or don't do just one little thing, if one simple task is not done, she lashes out on me.
Her complaints on my bad habits and behavoir started running 50 miles an hour and it began when I didn't realize I left a few wilted leaves of this plant I had to pluck them from for my mom to boil in her Filipino chicken soup. I don't know how to spell the name of that damn plant. It has bitter dark green leaves and fruit that's good for the system that you just pick out of the grass.
So I couldn't take it anymore. Everytime when it gets like this, I feel like snapping. But I don't. I hold myself in. And the only thing I can revert it to, is tears. Always, always, I always end up crying. I crept back to my room, and it was then that my mom stopped complaining probably after I had shut my door. I just crawled under my comforter, forced my face into the pillows and bawled. So then my own thoughts began running away with me again. My mom's put downs continued to run in my head and my second half began to add in more.
I tried to force out the pain of those words. So then I thought about the future that I feared. I had such high hopes for myself before that, but I was crushed again. I cried because I knew my mom was right. I cried because I knew that inner voice was right. I cried because I just had to. Too many tears for me, dear God...when will it end...?
Everytime this happens to me, I begin to think myself as a stranger trapped in another body. I feel like I'm not myself. As many times I've said this, I keep on pushing my thoughts further to try and see if this is really me or not. It's a scary feeling.
Eventually...I get over it. Then I feel like the idiot and I feel a little angry at the time but it lets up. Probably just a phase...or something I do too often. At least I don't try to hit things or yell back. That's probably only in irritation.
It just happens to often..and maybe that's my fault. Too many tears to cry.
What am I doing..? I have got to stop putting myself down mentally like this. It's getting me nowhere. And there's no way I want to be struggling with this stage of life that seems to go on forever...
"My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and tribulation,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
I see my Footprints in the sand...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
