December 11, 2002 ~ 10:56 p.m.
Feeling:
It's getting to be a hectic week. There's been a lot of things I'm involved in but I haven't even completed what I started. I've noticed that lately. Most of the time I don't finish what I start. It just occured to me one morning when I watched an episode of Baby Looney Toons, and baby Daffy never finished what he started and all the other baby toons didn't like him doing it. Unfortunately for me I'm not like baby Daffy and get right to doing things and finished them right away if his Granny tells him he can have a sticker for every thing he finishes.
Well enough of that, I've been talking too much about my own little flaws. It's becoming a poison to my mind. I had a little talk with an old friend last night about it. He really surprised me because he usually never instant messages a person first. But I guess he really wanted to know what's been up with me. I would have saved the conversation but I've been using AOL lately to get online and the instant messaging really sucks. Back to our talk, this friend (well I don't know if we consider each other friends but he knows me anyway) asked me about my short streak of depression and other things, sporadically saying it's a 'girl thing' when I asked him why he insists it's always a 'girl thing' when a girl talks about something and he said it's because he doesn't know what else to call it. (But if he's reading this now don't take it as an insult)
I can't really remember much of the rest of our conversation but I kinda felt comfortable talking with him. Yes for the things we hated each other for in the past I felt comfortable talking with him. Behind the scenes and one-on-one we're not enemies. He really gave me something to think about. He asked if I was doing some 'identity searching' or something like that as he was. I guess I might be doing that. God knows I constantly need to.
Going back to today, I've had a few disappointments. My mom forced me into going to my school's Winterball and I thought this time I should go because I thought my friends would go. Usually you'd need a date to go with and so I asked my cousin JP to come. I had been looking for him the past few days to ask him if he paid to go but then today he told me he had to work on the day of the Winterball. So disappointing...so I thought fine, I'll go alone. I know a bunch of other people going anyway. But my other friends were going to their own planned party. I would have wanted to go instead of Winterball but then I doubt my mom would even let me leave the house.
Tomorrow is the Ensembles Talent Show. I've had a little cold lately and I hope I'll be able to sing. Dang it...and Mr. Washburn insisted I do a solo. And I told a lot of people to come. I told my mom about it a little too late and she said she has to work. She's usually the one coming and bringing me to Talent Shows all the time but now this time I think my dad is going to come. Well that's good, my dad finally gets to see me do a solo. Eek, I've never done a solo before...
Even though I say I have poor work habits and don't take care of responsibilities right away I sure do have a lot of them. I'm building my own leadership qualities through my religious classes. I'm in the Youth Group now since I had been confirmed last year, and now I have an one to plan activities and such for the Youth at my church. Not only me, but Bridget, and other people I know.
We're planning a retreat for both classes. Each Youth Group member was assigned three activities to run. I know I did something during my last class, and I think I can lead it pretty well. I don't know, it seems like part of me is a natural leader, but I always felt I was meant to follow. I don't have solid capabilities. But it always comes back to me that God is always the one I can depend on. When everything else I try seems to fail, anything I do for God always succeeds. I am well praised within my church community. I don't feel quite alone and useless.
I do a lot of things for my church, because I love it so much. I lector on certain Sundays and speak the word of God and people have come to me saying I did very well. I teach the Children's Liturgy of the Word on assigned Sundays and I try to do my best and build some 'teacher qualities' to control those adorable little kids. Even though they like to talk a lot they sure are cute and fun. And I thought I didn't like kids. The last Liturgy I did with them concerned this one saying; "To get ready for Jesus' return we must turn back to God and love one another." The emphasis was on 'get ready' and 'turn back'. I help out Bridget with Youth Mass, which we do about every other month for the church, select the music, sing, and play. Mostly the music part is what we focus on. I even go to monthly meetings for the Youth concerning the church as part of a vicariate. A vicariate is a group of parishes. So the church I go to is part of the West Side vicariate. And I go to the meetings and listen to what the adults say and bring back information from the Diocese and what's in store for the island youth. I get to experience a bit of politics.
All the things I wanted to be, everything I had asked God for, He gives me every day. I can't believe how amazing that is. Though I may not be comepletely close to finding my true self, (or maybe I'm too naive or stubborn to know yet) God is what I have and He gives me all I need.
I asked God to spare me pain. God said, "No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
