January 20, 2002 ~ 2:56 p.m.
Feeling:
First of all, I'd like to say sorry to Kai for leaving last night and didn't come back. n_n' Apologies...sometimes I wonder what it means and if I really mean them. Well, I left because erm...*cough* mom trouble. All right, I don't care what I say now, but I need to say it.
Do you hate the person that always brings you down or is the cause of your problems and depressions in life? Of course you do. But do you love them? Maybe. Like an entry a while back, I wrote about how a couple of...'persons' constantly add to the bottomless pit of hurt and pain deep inside me.
It hurts. Oh good Lord it does. And so that in case in the future if my 'mother' happens to read this, this is for my safe keeping so that if I never get to tell her this, she would understand why I might have left or stayed away from her and the rest of my close family.
I wrote this last night after I signed off of MSN after my mom went ballistic and said to get out of her sight. Now I know I'm not a strong person, and I am very sensitive. For most things...
Writing just makes me feel better and I thank God it helped me through when I hid in the bathroom crying, with my trusty little notebook and pen, and a nightlight. The nightlight was the only light I needed to write, because I hated the brightness of the bathroom light. So I ended up with four pages of poured-out hurt.
1. (Started out with a few notes) My parents, are always working since...well when I was young. I don't remember how far back, but soon they worked constantly (you might be thinking, she needs to be grateful her parents are working hard for her) I notice that they work hard for their money for everything we have. Continuing...my mom barely lets me out of the house (I'm a bird in a cage) and I hardly ever get to hang out with my friends (like I'd want to, I don't really like to spend much time with them, can you tell why? ) and though my mom tells me sorry or all that or shows some type of 'cheap' affection, sorry isn't good enough. (not anymore) I hate her nagging because she does that every time, and it gets annoying (you should know how it is) I do listen, but I may forget and I'm sorry. At least I still do something every day when I am alone at home...bored...with no one...
But who is SHE to say that "I" make HER angry?? She tells me that everytime and I hate it! She says that "I" make HER angry! Just because I forget to do ONE thing! Isn't anything I do good enough? And I can't do anything but cry, because I'm too afraid to say anything or reason because she never lets me. I only get to go to my cousin's house and I HATE HER!! (see the pattern here?) I really don't like to hate anyone but it's because of the treatment I'm getting, right?
I have a nice, quiet, considerate personality and I do that because I have (yes I think this is true) BAD PARENTS. I mean, what kind of parents forget about me everytime because of work? I know how important that is, and that they're tired...that I had so much attention when I was little...
2. My mother calls me stupid. Yes my name is stupid. It will repeat, again and again like a broken tape-recorder, playing that word 'stupid', over and over. She calls me that because she can't deal with a teenager, and she calls me a little 1-year-old who can't do anything, (but I can do the things she tells me) and she forgets how to take care of me and she thinks that now I'm older I know everything when she never showed me how to do anything else? If she's angry the only way I can tell her how I feel is if I act angry also. But I know that's not right. I want to get away from her. I want to run away but she won't let me go...
Stupid, stupid, stupid, that's all I'll ever hear, and now I'm emotionally scarred for life.
I know now I might not turn out a good person...always a sad lonely person with no one, always hurt inside. 3. Cry, cry, cry that's all I'll ever do until I become blind and die of heartbreak (I think I'm being overly-dramatic) this happens to me at least once a month or week just because I forget to do a few chores in the house, when I've done everything else. She can never praise me. The purpose of screaming at me and calling me stupid is stuck in her mind and now that's the only thing she can think of to do to me. Just keep on adding to the pain.
She tells me I'm like my dad, a liar and a cheater. I try not to lie but I do because you'll just get angry at me again and I'm afraid. I'm afraid! I'm not supposed to be afraid, or angry at my own parents! That's not right! I don't want to be! She can't tell me I'm like my dad because that's the only excuse she can think of to yell at me or explain my behavior...(is this getting too long?)
4. The only thing she thinks of is keeping my dad with this family because she thinks he's cheating on her. And once, my dad went crazy and threw things around in the house because he hates her telling him everytime that he's cheating and that he's seeing some girl somewhere. I don't want to get into details and evidence, this is about my mom right now so...
My mom barely thinks of me in the situation where my dad doesn't want her to touch him or be near him or something. She says it was a mistake getting me a computer. Really now? Either way, computer or not, I'd still forget to do something once in a while. Laziness is a habit of mine and sometimes I hate it as much as my memory defectiveness. I think my bad memory involves an untold head injury at least a year back...stupid me. My mom is a perfectionist, she expects me to do something right every time. I'm not perfect, I can't do that. Just the day before she was fine because I did things in the house, all she wanted, and now did I forget a few things did she go insane that night. She hates it when I go online. Well I do that because I actually have good friends I can talk to, who can understand me more than my friends at school, because frankly...I keep myself isolated. I'm like a wanderer, I never stay with the same people everyday. My friends at school wouldn't care...they have their own lives to worry about. All my mom thinks about is work and money, and as much as that matters, what about our slowly breaking family...
Well I guess that's it. So Kai if you read this now you know. You don't have to feel sorry for me because it doesn't make any sense to do so. I'm just having these situations where I don't know who to go to and tell my problems to. I am ashamed. My mom never wants me to tell anything about what's going in our personal family life because it's shameful. Well guess what? Practically the whole world can read this now. I really need to end this now...
~Cass~ all I need is a little love... <3 <3 <3 @-}--}--
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
