September 06, 2002 ~ 11:49 p.m.
Feeling:
I really should remind myself not to read depressive stuff...it just doesn't go easy on my heart. Even though the plot of a story may be good, I shouldn't read it because I'm so sensitive. So sensitive to absorb any type of sadness and feel it as my own. To hold in that guilt when it's not mine.
I thought I was happy. I can be happy. I try to be happy. That's what most humans search for...happiness. That's what they want most out of life, to live what time they know they have to live it as best they can. As God wants us to do...He wants us to live a fulfilling life. Even though such a religion as being a Catholic may seem as being quite strict, especially when people loathe those commandments, we're living by a super natural law. To give what we can and try to become saintly to be given a greater reward in Heaven.
So why do we strive for happiness? To feel that comfort to get rid of the fear of being alone? To have someone close to you other than your friends or family to hold you tight, never let go and whisper that things are going to be all right? We always want to get rid of what ails us, what makes us afraid, and the pain of loneliness.
I want to be happy, every single day, but I know I can't always avoid something sorrowful. If I see/read something depressive, if I know that it's real then I soak it up like a sponge and hold it in to add to my own hurt. Feelings are felt by most people. If you're happy, others around you would be. If you're sad, others might become sad.
So I wonder why I keep on picking up these feelings of loneliness and depression...fear and sorrow, voices that scream out for help, invisible hands that yearn for the touch of another. I want to help them. But all I can do, is sit and wait patiently until I try to learn all that I can.
I sometimes despise this systematic way of life. How we have to grow up, and learn things. To put knowledge into our heads, some things that we may not want to learn, besides things that we've already learned in kindergarden. Haven't we had enough? That when we opened ourselves to mortal sin and disease, to have our own souls tormented? As a lot of people may think, it's hard to live in this present world of ours. The 'world' wants to beat every single one of us down. Throw us like a rock into the ocean...
I keep on thinking of the souls that may be crying. Wanting, needing, the hope and love of another. To be brought back to the light and feel what it is to be human, to know what true happiness is. To laugh heartily without a care in the world, because they know they are saved. Why no one will listen to their voices. I'm one of those lost souls, seeking for my purpose in life, for what I truly want to become.
I hate to be hated. But people will be people. And I love people. I love to be human. We don't need to know what else is out there when we have our own mysteries to solve. To be human is to feel, to cry, laugh, and survive in a world that wants to laugh in our face as we desperately try to grab onto a foothold.
I wish to be forgiven. To have this constant pain to be lifted off just a bit so I can breathe a little better.
Let me search your soul as I search mine...where is your happiness? What has become of mine?
There is no door knob to the human heart; it must be opened willingly to the one who knocks upon it.
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
