June 19, 2003 ~ 1:21 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "My Paper Heart" ~ The All-American Rejects
Wow it's been a long time since I updated. I've just been lazing around with Sara lately. We've been pretty much stressed out with our families...so we just needed some escape. Even though for the past week we've had our fun and good times, there's still something that bothers me.
Our families. I've been thinking a lot about what's been going on within the bloodlines of the people I know. There are so many family problems revolving around me. It's not only my family, but a few other people I know...and they know who they are. Just watching these things happen silently drives me insane.
It's not that I don't like to be in a gloomy mood when I do an entry all the time, it's just that I pour all of my soul here, to let it go. I still can't let go of those things, though. Why do we all have to be like this...why do we not have the strength to make a bond with our families? Of course we know...or we say we think...that we love or family, or even not at all...but maybe it's because we've been keeping to ourselves too long.
It seems like everything around me is about to break apart. I don't like seeing families broken like that. I don't want mine to be either. Like my mom, I do want love, understanding and communication to preside between us. However, it must be within ourselves that we have to begin to make these changes so that a bond can be shared. But none of us are strong enough to admit anything. We're too ashamed to say that we are the ones who are wrong.
We find other people to share our secrets with, and we have close friends. But if we can't share those things with our family who were the ones to love us first, (God permit) then who are we to think who we want to be? We're pretty much stuck with our family so we have to live with it. For the good times and bad. That's how life is, isn't it?
I know I take my family for granted. I just feel that I've been caged in. I want to have strong bonds with my parents but I feel like they can't understand. It must be the same way for the other people I know who are going through this. We have to let it go. Stop thinking about ourselves for once and think that we can handle everything on our own.
The people we live with, are most likely our family. So we have to work with them and talk to them. If no one else cared about you, who else will? It would have to be your family. The bloodline of a family runs deep. Who we are comes from them.
My friend's family...is a very big and close family. They are pretty much inseperable. Bridget is so close to her family that she never wants to leave them. That's why I want my family to be like that. But we've been so hostile and silent to each other for all this time and though we've tried, nothing seems to work. Being close to them just seems impossible.
I always hoped that someday I will be able to sit down with my family and talk things through and get rid of all the things that bother us. I want to do that with the other people I know too, but I don't want to interfere. I do know that someday I may have to do it.
Like I've said...we act nice, we do things for each other...but we have no intimate family bond. I don't know why. Is it because of the things that some of our family members do to us? Are we just mad at that person just because they annoy us a little? This hate clings and feeds on our selfish minds and we think that the other person has to be nice to us first before we have to love them.
Who cares who loves first? Love should not be a battle. Love between family members should be understanding and mutual.
So why don't we have that....
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
