June 25, 2003 ~ 10:13 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Where Is The Love?" ~ Black Eyed Peas
Can we say, "Cecily is stupid??" Yes! Stupid, stupid, stupid, S-T-U-P-I-D!!! Ok well I felt stupid today. Why? Today I was supposed to take the test for my driver's permit, since I'm going to take a driver's ed class this summer. But when my mom and I got there, the lady asked for my birth certificate and social security card and guess who forgot about it?? Yep...me. I forgot about it since I was trying to study the manual last night and apparently my mom forgot too.
I felt disappointed when we left the police station, and tense when my mom's anger was rising. So that is when my thoughts beat me down again saying how much of an idiot I was for forgetting, and how I failed at another attempt to try and be independent of something.
My mom has always expected me to do good at everything. School, a person, and whatever else. It's hard for me. So now, even if I do something good, she will only see my flaws. Example? I recently got my report card. All A's, except a B from my AP U.S. History class. I've gotten that B straight through that whole year. But in an AP class, the B is equivalent to an A, so I still had a solid 4.0. So she still doesn't understand that concept. Also, I've begun to make it my habit to fold clothes and wash the dishes all the time. If I forget once, she blows steam again. I know I hate complaining about my mom...I know I've neglected her of some needed love and understanding sometimes, but trying to pitch logic at her just doesn't work for me.
So mom was pretty angry on the way home. I sat for a while folding clothes while my negative thoughts attacked me, and then went to iron the huge pile of clothes in our 'downstairs' room. My mom went hunting for my birth certificate, but she couldn't find it at all, as well as my social security card. She cooled off after a while and we both went to bring some Portuguese bean soup that she made to Sara's house so she could talk to her grandparents.
Later we went home and my dad came back from fishing down Waipio valley, and then they were wondering where my birth certificate and social security card were. So after we ate some soup we went down to Hilo to get some applications to get another copy for my birth certificate and social security card. When we got to the social security office my dad asked me if I could remember my number but then I couldn't and then my mom got pretty frustrated with me. Well...thankfully we were in a public building.
So after that...we went on over to Credit Union, where my parents keep their money and such, and then my mom found my birth certificate and social security card in the deposit. It was a relief, and my mom got all mad and crazy over nothing. Of course I was relieved, and so I felt better that it wasn't all my fault.
I guess for me...when I screw up on things, they begin bad but always turn out okay in the end. I can't believe all of the stupid things I've done or forgotten but then it all ties up in a good way. Unfortunately, by tonight it didn't go as I thought it would.
My parents got into an argument again. Someone had called from the County of Hawaii and was asking my dad something. Of course I only answered the phone and gave it to my dad and I went in my room to watch tv. After a while I could hear my dad yelling about something so when I went out he was arguing with my mom about that phone call.
Apparently, it was the police or something and they were asking my dad about some gruesome car accident that happened a while back. My dad had seen the accident just a while after it happened. And so, I really didn't get the entire argument or what my parents were yelling about. I wanted to go and stop them, but then I was afraid to. I didn't want them to yell at each other like that but then I was caught at a blank...I didn't know what I would say if I did involve myself, so I kept silent and stayed out of it.
I didn't get involved because I feared that I wouldn't know what to say and that I might make the situation worse. My parents had also been having some small arguments when they were out in Hilo. They drive me insane; neither of them want to admit that they are wrong. I don't know who really was wrong, but that wouldn't matter. What matters was that they said some stupid things that really didn't pertain to what they originally argued about.
Both my parents can be very short-tempered. They're getting old and so they tend to forget things and they stress so much. My dad said some pretty insulting things. My mom was slightly stuttering and some of the things she said didn't make sense.
So what did I do? I pushed it to the back of my mind. I let it go numb and drifted off into the blankness of my head. So I am left to only ask myself 'why' again...why can't I just sort things out with them. Fear. It eats me.
Can you practice what you preach...and would you turn the other cheek...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
