February 16, 2003 ~ 9:31 p.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Canta Per Me" ~ Noir (the anime)
Something is creeping up on me again. This is no surprise to me. I can feel that my few days of what I consider my personal happiness has faded away once more. A few days ago I had thought that all my sorrow and depression had washed away, replaced by a happiness that I thought I would be keeping for much longer than this. I thought I was just going through some 'phase', but I guess I was wrong. As always.
It's strange how quickly one can switch from one emotion to the next. I just have all these mixed emotions inside me that seems pretty peculiar to my life and how I'm expressing them. Just earlier I was enjoying my alone time, lazily doing things in the time that I could be setting up my priorities. Of course, like the last-minute person I have turned myself into it's next to impossible for me to sort out.
Now, all of a sudden I feel burdened again. I can see now what kind of overbearing future I will have, as my mom always says. It's hard to understand yourself when you lack self-esteem, faith, and common sense. I try not to be a complete ditz. My mind and heart are so confused with each other. I continue to play my 'roles' in and out of my social, religious, and personal life. I'm setting up walls and traps for myself in different places.
Last night, I felt empty. I don't know why I did, I just did. I have things that make me happy, I try to be good and have faith though I may slip up at times...but there is just something missing. A piece of me that hasn't been filled. I could probably try and think of some reasons that may be causing why I was feeling so empty, and yet it seems like lies. There are just times when I feel like crying for no reason. Of course...it is ok to cry. Jesus cried for the people...today he still does. And I cry with him. We all need to cry sometimes...to let out our pain.
Valentine's day for me made me feel empty..a bit. Maybe unwanted. At least I had little things that made up for a bit of it. I wasn't prepared for that day at all. Well, maybe a bit. I did buy my friends some Valentine candy grams that the student body at my school was selling and delivering that morning. Of course, I wasn't completely thoughtless and I made my Ensembles teacher Mr. Washburn feel loved by drawing him a picture and giving him some candy that my friends gave me since I had none. Give a gift that you gain to share the love, I say.
I got some cards from my friends in the mail that was a bit of a surprise to me since they didn't have to do it. But people can surprise you that way. I sent a few of my far-away friends some Valentine e-cards so they know I'm always thinking of them. The only actual thought-out gifts I got was from my mom and another friend of mine. Like any person, I admit I get a little jealous to see or hear about people getting things from someone or their loved one. Especially when you don't have someone that close to you to get one that way.
However, I did get something special from my own very special someone...
I should thank him. I haven't done it yet. Ain't I cruel. I can be so neglectful, I soon get paranoid enough in thinking my friends would consider that an offense and a very fatal flaw of mine. But I guess we all have our quirks that way.
Have I changed the topic too much? Well...guess I've lost my train of thought already. Got a lot of thinking to do....
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
