September 17, 2002 ~ 7:11 p.m.
Feeling:
It's been a while since I last did an entry. I've thought about doing a bunch but that laziness kicks in. Thinking and doing too many things that aren't necessary and not touching my homework until just before midnight.
A particular internet test I took recently resulted that my emotional strength is empathy. It might not really be true but I believe it. Being a silent observer, to me it seems like I can sense what other people are feeling or thinking. I may be wrong, but who really knows. They won't tell me in truth what they're thinking or feeling, and I'd never ask.
But somehow I just feel like I know. I can understand, and I can relate, but I can't communicate. I can't speak my mind too often because my skull is a barrier to all these things that are wanting to be coming out of my mouth but are always trapped inside. No wonder I can't get a chance to happiness often.
It really bugs me to see some of my friends depressed or in a rut sometimes, but sometimes I just don't know what to do or say. I think a lot before I say something (most of the time) to someone and if I think I have offended them and I tell them so, they say I haven't. Sometimes it may be the truth but like I said I can never really be sure.
It's like I can sense these little irritations that someone may be emanating, sometimes getting into their train of thought. There were times when I felt like I could look at someone randomly and instantly see through their eyes. But only for a breif moment.
It's really hard to try and understand a person, and their feelings. Sometimes it slowly kills me to see someone hurting even when they want to make believe everything is ok. Because I know how that is. They don't need anyone so I don't know how to get into their cage but I can try and urge them out.
Just an example...for this person I know so well, even if this individual is extremely moody and down and depressed, even if I don't know what to say, I just have to think a while and then I eventually get the person to laugh and make them feel a little better.
I know what some people think...you could just call it intuitive. I like to try and make another's feelings my own, to try and help them in anyway...but I can't always help them. Either because I don't know them, or I'm too ashamed, or I don't want to offend them by making predictions that they may say aren't true.
The world we live in now is tough...having a social life is stressful, so I'll have to take it easy. I wish I could have another retreat again...but the world will always drag me back into reality.
I know what they're feeling....I just don't know what to do about it. Why won't they let me do anything about it? It's not easy to get into a person's thoughs, into their heads, into their hearts, and souls.
Some of my friends won't tell me everything. They probably think I'm too 'innocent' to tell me. Too 'sensitive' to need to know. Do they want to protect my feelings? Do they not want to take it out on a person who will always forgive them no matter what?
Maybe it's because I'm so naive.
I need a tissue now....
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
