October 10, 2002 ~ 10:50 p.m.
Feeling:
Can I just tell the truth here and not feel like someone's not gonna get mad at me for it? I'd go and make an entry and password it in my other diary but then again some entries aren't that necessary to keep locked away.
Ok so I'm going to explain something that I hope someone's not gonna get pissed off at me for something I never tried to do in the first place. I hope that made sense.
I'm talking about a certain cousin of mine. Yes, the same one I've been ranting on about. I've thought about these same situations over and over again, and it seems we can both be at fault. We're not fighting...maybe we're a bit mad at each other but I don't really know what to think.
I talked to her about a day ago. Apparently it seems like she's avoiding me. Of course it doesn't make me a little mad, but I can understand what she feels. I just don't know how exactly she feels, or know what the exact problem is. She just won't tell me. I mean..yeah, it hurts. To see that someone is ailing and torturing herself over something like depression (which is a very common thing within teens nowdays) and not knowing or not being able to help them because she might not want you around.
Maybe she'd talk to her friends or something but why not me? I know her more than anyone else. We share a lot more secrets and have so many things in common that we can practically be twins. It's like we're ALMOST the same, and yet ALMOST completely different. It's at a borderline. And one little thing can break our bonds and have us hating each other for nearly a month. It's insane.
I really do care about her a lot. I even told her I loved her. As a family member. Many people don't hear that often. Usually when we're together I'm more of the silly one. But in times like these I tend to act more motherly. But to see that someone doesn't want you around and not speak to you even when you think you're the closest one to them do they push you away. So maybe I'm just the 'last resort'. Ok...so I've had many friends feel like the lowest form on earth during a certain time in their life and when I want to help them most, I can't. So I'm left to just wait until they come to me. If they decide to. I'm not going to force them.
But it's...I just can't...explain how horrible it feels to think when someone doesn't want to talk to you and have their back turned, to think that the person looks at you or thinks that you're some kind of disease, like you're the last human on earth they'd want to see, or even not at all. They'd rather prefer to have the devil burn them in hell than to talk to you who is their last chance of hope.
So maybe I'm being overly-dramatic. Maybe I'm paranoid. But I really do think that my cousin is avoiding me. Now I'm not doing this to humiliate her. I'm constantly trying to get out the message that I'm here, that I want to help, that if your parents or friends can't help you...I'm here. We're very close family members. We've developed a relationship over years. And I guess even though times like this can happen, it eventually leads to the same thing all over again. But I want to prevent this from happening. I don't want this to go on. It seems like this will happen again and it will never be resolved.
I'm trying the best I can. It's irritating me so much that I just HAVE to make it my responsibility. Some have told me, "Take care of yourself first." And as much as I'd love to do that, I keep on getting distracted on taking care of the other person. But I can't get near them. So maybe I'm not cut out to do that sort of thing after all.
Ok...back to my cousin. I've been with you through those hard and depressing times. And you do remember that I tried to make you laugh. And once, I was successful. Maybe more than once. And I know...what's hurting you, and what's making you feel the way you do. I know the people that are potentially taking advantage of you or making you feel like you want to die.
Adolescants act most childish through such emotions. And I know you'd hate this word, but that's when you can be most 'moody'. I'm not sure if I've really 'grown up'. It's like half of myself is part fun and child-like, and the other half is wise and mature. And it appears most often in my writing.
I'm probably not a genius...I probabably don't know every answer in the textbooks...but I really do know what I'm talking about. At least I hope I do. And there are a lot of times when I am wrong. Because I'm average. I'm normal. Hooray for that.
We all have special gifts. So maybe mine...is to try and give advice. Maybe I don't give such good advice. Sometimes I think I'm not that comforting.
Heck, I even catch myself digressing off the subject.
Just...try and listen to me. I know you don't like it when people lecture you but how else are you going to learn things? It's not like we're not getting along. I'm just trying to help you out, and is that so wrong? I keep my distance so that I don't bother you too much but do I still invade your space? Do I annoy you with what I say?
I know the answers to all your problems. We know so much about each other. We even cried together. We talk to each other. And I'm talking to you now because you know in real life I don't have the strength to say much. We know what annoys each other. We've gone through similar things. So why don't you still trust me?
So maybe we hide things from each other and stab each other's backs. Who knows. Are you afraid of what I will say to you? Well I'm saying it now. I'm just saying that I'm not supposed to be the one who hides silently not saying anything. Hiding and being quiet doesn't solve anything.
I know you can't talk to anyone else...won't you feel better if you come to me? I'm just waiting...
You make me cry, you make me mad, you make me weak...yet...
You make me laugh, you back me up, and we're happy.
I stress you out, I make you laugh, I help you with your homework. I will write you poems, I will devote myself to you but I will not want to just sit around and let this pass again like many times before.
I feel that you don't feel sympathy for me and don't feel guilty when you make me cry. Don't you realize how you've hurt me? But I know that I must have in some way hurt you.
So I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Again and again I will do this for you...because I love you, and it hurts that much. I hurt...because you hurt. Don't let it come by us again.
~♥
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
