October 06, 2002 ~ 12:07 a.m.
Feeling:
There have been many times when I felt like I've reached the point of my sanity. Actually, my 'nice' side. I'm just so 'nice' and forgiving, I'd want to say sorry to someone a million times and more if it would get someone to forgive me. But then that'd be considered begging. There are times when I just want to scream and snap and go nuts. Shed this 'nice' side, (which sometimes makes me shudder thinking about it) and actually be REALLY MAD at someone. Well of course, maybe I actually am. Two people cross my mind...but I'm paying attention to one at the moment. I'll probably be referring to the one I'm talking about as 'this person' the most.
I really don't want to humiliate the person that I'm about to talk about (but then again, if I were THAT mad I really would) so I won't try to mention their name.
I've had it. I can't take it anymore. Thinking about it makes my blood boil. Me, having to always be the first to give in and talk. The one who doesn't want to be so hostile. The one to cry over every action taken. Like I've said...this person shows no sympathy..and expresses no guilt for me AT ALL. I mean, sometimes I wonder what's wrong, and I could come up with so many reasons to forgive this person, because I really want to. I'd give this individual a thousand chances and more to be redeemed.
This person...pisses me off. Angers the living hell out of me. The only one to ever tap into my limited anger sources and annoyance levels. It's like I'm being stabbed in the chest every time. And I don't ask for much....
The individual I talk about doesn't want to take part in anything I ask, or want to comply with them. It's like, "You do your own thing and I'll do mine. I don't have to care for you because I only want to use you." Yes. And oh now I HATE being used...how I HATE being taken advantage of..and how I HATE being the sucker, and the one who always goes back. It's like I'm being cheated on but I'll always foolishly go back to this person.
Am I nuts? Do I have any courage to tell this person? I don't know. I've gotten advice, I'd like to follow it but I'm not taking the opportunity to do it. I do everything for this person. Allow this one into my home for anything this person would ask for. When this person is extremely moody, I try to give comfort, give all that I can, to at least help in the little bit. My efforts are always in vain. Though I may be successful, I gain no thanks or appreciation.
And the little things...oooh how I HATE the little things that strike me like a cobra every time. Beating me down, making me have less and less self-esteem and confidence in myself. To have to be the weaker one. And it's stupid, because I am OLDER than this person. I should be the one to lead, not to follow. I should be the one to be respected. But yet, I do things for this person like a little servant. Oh now I sneer at the thought. It's..it's disgusting. It's completely idiotic.
What am I doing? WHAT am I doing!? Why in all f*cking (pardon) HELL, am I being the 'lackie' of someone who continiously torments me when they don't know it? Why in the world don't I speak? I can't talk. I'm too stupid to tell how I feel. Because I always fear that I will be proven wrong. There will always be a setback, always a 'reason'. That's probably all bullshit. I shouldn't care about all those reasons for slowly hating this person with a passion.
Some examples...for more than at least I think THREE TIMES has this person not attended anything I ask them to come to. Important things, like my Confirmation, my homecoming, my talent show for Ensembles. EVERY TIME I ask them to come anywhere they don't. I don't get one ounce of support. Why? Because this person didn't want to come. Maybe because they're too lazy, and I just grit my teeth at the pathetic excuses. Reasons that oppose what I say rise up in my head but I'm going to ignore EVERYTHING, because this message has to get through to the person who just might read it.
I support this person wholly. When this person asks me to go somewhere that they're going when I don't want to, I go. Because I'm just a sucker for begging. And don't even get me started on peer pressure...anyway, I'm trying to stay away from this person...for the time being.
When this person has problems, and is extremely depressed and full of tears, I try to help. Then this person doesn't want my help and keeps on pushing me away. And then time passes and life goes on like nothing happened. Well things do happen and sometimes fate leaves scars on those involved. This person even makes me cry. Just thing about what this person has done just makes pisses the hell out of me and yet makes me extremely depressed with very low confidence in myself and makes me want to cry like there's no tomorrow.
Oh this pain...this pain...I'm beginning to notice that for crying so often I feel like I want to cry. I want to cry often. I'm even starting to like this feeling. This pain. I could get high off of it. It feeds my burning soul, the tears are all I need. I like this pumping in my heart. I need I need, I need...yes world, make me cry more...make me hurt more...because I want it. Ok that didn't sound right...NO! Dirty thoughts! Stop.
Crying shows I'm weak. What the f*ck, so I'm weak. I just want someone to punch me in the heart repeatedly. Maybe at least then I wouldn't have to feel all this emotional pain and suffering. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much. Maybe I'm so paranoid I'm REALLY going to make myself sick this way. Doctor, doctor...I need a new heart.
Now back to this person...this individual would rather go off with friends who would probably never be as compassionate and forgiving as I. I'm always going to want to be around with this person but never be noticed or be wanted. It's going to kill me thinking about it. So I have to stop. But I need to talk about it. It's too much holding it in.
This person would often get very angry at the friends, but then eventually go back to them. It depends. This person tells me a lot of things like I'm the only one who cares. Maybe I don't want to. But I do. It gets annoying. But I listen anyway. But this person never realizes that I do, and that I always want to be around and help. Nope, nothing for me...I get nothing.
I DON'T GET SHIT! .......
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Pardon the outburst. Does this person ever want to support me? No. Oh sure..maybe do a few things once in a while...but I guess now at this point in time there is to be nothin between us. Maybe it's fate that must lead us to pretend that we don't know each other anymore. That we never shared anything, any secrets, any common emotions.
Years ago when I first started to know this person...we hated each other. Of course I tried to be nice at first. But then I was still a greedy, spoiled brat. This person even told me that I was like that, that they wanted the whole world to turn against me. Maybe it's jealousy.
This person even slapped me in the face. Walked right up to me and a smack to the cheek. Maybe I've written about this before but it was a shock to the system. What did I do? Nothing. I merely just didn't want to play a game. But from that now unknown game it led to a bigger game of competition. I'm being stabbed in the back.
I don't know if we're trying to make each other jealous. For me, I don't think it's intended. Maybe I just kinda like to show off. But I try not to do that so much. I make it as neutral as possible. It's all the little things like making me do things, not coming to things that I think are important to me that I want a little support out of, not doing a few tiny things I ask, the extreme moodiness...just get to me.
This person seems like they're going through PMS weekly! When I try to give the warm hug, I get the cold shoulder! I swear I'll probably try and try until I die but never get the true respect from just this one person. Maybe I should state my own faults after this...but then again, I've been doing that for so long. I've been telling my flaws, over and over again...it's not helping me.
I think I'm losing it..I'm getting off track and I don't know how else to get this entry into an understandable message. But to this person...who might know who they are...
This is a warning. To stop f*cking pissing me off and at least give me a TEENY OUNCE OF SUPPORT. What you may wonder? You should know...would I have to tell you? If you don't know why you piss me off, then think. But don't ask me because I probably won't know what to say. I'm forgetful like that. I don't even want to beg, because I've felt like I've been begging for some appreciation since the beginning. When I want you to cut me some slack you cut me off completely. You make me feel like dirt sometimes...
I can't change who you are but you better shape up because if you don't I SWEAR I will NEVER forgive you if you do this to me again...I've given you too many chances to want to be hurt again...I've got enough stresses to deal with...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
