March 15, 2003 ~ 12:22 a.m.
Feeling:
Song of the Day: "Bittersweet Symphony" ~ The Verve
I've really been feeling like crap all week. Thankfully, today...or rather, yesterday ( past midnight ) was a little better. No work over the weekend thank God. Last night I tried to do an entry but since diaryland was on the fritz I had to do it here instead.
I've been hurting inside...literally. Once again I've put on my "I'm doing just fine" facade, masking my feelings of depression from my friends. I don't know why I continue to do it, it's become a bad habit now. And like many times before I don't know why I get like that. Too much stress, maybe...I still can't handle it too well. At this rate I'll screw up my life big time.
Now I feel like giving up tennis. I do enjoy it, maybe I just can't get much out of learning anything from it because of how we're being coached. We get a lot of help from others though. I joined tennis because I thought it would be something I could be good at; something that I could be a part of. I did partially get what I wanted. I now have a number of new people that have suddenly come to know me and care about me. That's what being part of a 'team' is all about...
However, I couldn't help but feel somewhat left out while spending the past two days watching tennis games. I would have played, but I felt I wasn't ready since I've missed out on a lot of practice since I sprained my left ankle about three weeks ago. I don't know much about scoring yet either.
Anyway...enough about tennis. I've probably lost my train of thought. I do enjoy the small neighborhoods and quaint old-time towns here...but I just feel so congested. I really do want to get out of here. There probably isn't a time when I think about things that relate to how I could get out of here and metaphors of freedom. I want it. I need it. I need escape. From my own self.
I can't stand people who seem to have the 'perfect' lives. I know that their lives probably aren't perfect, but they sure as hell probably are living a better life than I am. Maybe it's because I'm not doing much about it. It's Lent and I've told myself to refrain from too much sitting infront of the computer. It is something that I need to give up for a while, because so far, it's messing with my lifestyle.
Last Sunday I was the only person in class that night. I felt like everyone else was getting me back for missing the previous two weeks of class since I was sick and it was my dad's birthday, but I knew that wasn't the truth. Sister Elizabeth did the regular lesson that we do every second Sunday of the month; the Serendipity scripture lessons. So we both did the little worksheet thing. We discussed the heavy stuff that we had to choose on those little half sheets of paper, to circle a number from 1 to 10, rating which best fits our personality to the question that relates to the scripture reading.
There was a section that explains 'Going Deeper', getting into how far we want to improve on the areas explained in the previous questions and what we discussed. And it would sure help me out if I had, 'a great big kick in the pants'. Yep, that was the question, and that was the answer I chose. I really do. I need something extreme to snap me out of this state of misery, depression, and angst in my head. I'm not working for my goals. I'm not reaching my potential. I can't get myself out of it.
I really hate feeling like this. Feeling like I want to die, like the world is crushing me out of existence. No one around, no one that I really want to get close enough to tell them how I feel. I hate crying infront of people. Even though I know it doesn't mean one is a weakling from crying...it's just something I don't want anyone to know about.
I feel so lost and confused...and I continue to carry my cross of burden...
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
