March 04, 2004 ~ 8:43 p.m.
Feeling:
I want this to be the last entry I ever write here. I haven't run out of things to say, but I have no interest in writing here anymore. Life goes on, and mine is twisting into a fate I had not expected...but then again in a way I felt that I did expect it.
Since I turned 18, I slowly began to feel like...nothing mattered. I really just don't care anymore. But what I can't stand the most is living in my own home. Like how I always said I wanted to break away from here...well I'm rattling the bars, and they're ready to crack.
Years of silence and holding in a sea of emotion is breaking the barriers of my fake, sensitive outer shell. I don't want to care about anything...anymore.
My mom complains that I don't listen to her or my dad anymore. My dad even yelled at me the other day, which is something he never did, up until now. I do realize I've changed, but it's a startling change that's beginning to take over me.
She wants me to communicate more openly with them. I've been hiding a ton of things from them for years, and they have never noticed a problem with me up until now. I just can't take all the mental abuse that has been set in me. I fear that it will eat me inside and out until the day I die. I know I can never get rid of it now.
And as I sit here...typing and sobbing...I can't help but think that every day I have been constantly tortured on the inside. I thought I could help myself but I've failed. I thought there were people that could help me but nothing has improved. Yes...I will say that I am grateful for the help...but I will no longer accept it.
I feel like I want to give up on everything. I've tried too hard to become the person I was. Now...things have changed. I wanted freedom...and now I am obtaining it through rebellion. I don't want to care about what anyone else says. I'm sick and tired of letting people push me around, step on me, and tell me what to do. I'm tired of letting others make decisions for me just because I am unable to make them successfully on my own.
I'm going to stop rationalizing. I just want the bitter truth. No more saying that it's 'just a phase', or 'PMS', (which is a misconstrued term) or 'depression' or whatever shit that I've made up over the times I've written about things like this.It's MY life.
Fuck it. Fuck everything already. I DON'T CARE.
I just want to be left alone in my solitude...and I will do what I want to do.
I don't want to take this crap.
Can't take this crap anymore...
Torn
Staying Strong
Heavenly Music
A Filipino Drunkard's Party
Living life »»†«« in solitude...
